by Sasha Alex Lessin, Ph.D. (UCLA), M.A., (Counseling Psychology, University for Humanistic Studies)
From TEACH TANTRA + by Sasha Alex Lessin, Ph.D. (Dean, School of Counseling) and Janet Kira Lessin (CEO, Aquarian Media)
Aloha, I’m Dr. Sasha Lessin. I want you to free yourself from automatically reacting to your current situations from automatic programs you got when, as a kid, you needed them. You can choose your reactions rather than go on automatic every time.
In the post below, you get the intellectual framework for release. When you complete the exercises in this post, go to CLEAR WITH EACH OF THE BIG PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE A KID (hotlink) and get free.
John Lennon, in the youtube below, sings out his primal scream after he finished doing Primal Therapy. Listen up.
Do you have screams inside like John?
CLEAR WITH EACH OF THE BIG PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF YOU WHEN YOU WERE A KID (hotlink)
Your caretakers met or didn’t meet your needs for love–the type of love you needed changed with your stages of development. Learn how imprints from caretakers still steer you. Learn how to modify imprints to suit your life nowadays.
Respond in your mind, on paper or with a partner to questions in this post.
PERUSE PRIMAL PROCESS
Arthur Janov (The Feeling Child) wrote that how your mother and father related before they conceived you influenced who you became as an adult. your path and pace?
Explore If you have your own kids, you can probably see how the way you treated them affected how they became; that’s the way your parents affected you.
Ponder the questions below. If you don’t know an answer, guess. If you have more than one guess, think of each. Each guess is probably right to some degree. You learn more if you take the extra time to write your answers, you consider and understand each question better.
You learn even more if you take turns with an intimate; one of you read the questions and note the other’s answers.
Respond to questions that an asterisk * precedes.
*1) Do you now want or have you ever wanted children?
*2) Do you want a child so you can: a. get a person to love you and cuddle, the way you’d have liked your parent to cuddle you; b. attain an heir to carry on your heritage; c. have a baby to show you’re an adult man or woman; or d. give love and share how you and your child feel as she or he grows?
*3) What hopes and expectations did your mother have for you before you were born?
*4) Did she want a boy or girl?
*5) Were you conceived deliberately, accidentally, casually, or forcibly? Explain.
*6) What hopes and expectations did your father have for you?
Janov says that from before the time you come out of your mother, you deal with your parents’ expectations, hopes, wishes, desires, and prejudices of how you should be. Some parents might not want you. Other parents want you to give them the love they lacked as kids. Some parents have you to hold their marriage together or win approval from their parents, in-laws, or friends. Some have you to prove themselves, masculine men, or female women. Some have you to carry on family names. You learn these motives. Each motive hurts you when how you feel inside contrasts with how they want you.
Conditioning in the Womb
Mom’s habits and circumstances while she carried you in her shaped your basic attitude toward life and toward yourself. She programmed you for tense adulthood if, while pregnant, she exposed you to too much nicotine, alcohol, noise, hunger, or tension of her own. Her tobacco, booze, starvation, or stress make you may die or live a short, quarrelsome life.
*7) You suffer compromised health if while Mom carried you, she a) smoked; b) drank alcohol; c) was exposed to loud noises; d) had sex; e) was tense; f) all but (d) above.
If she was uptight when she carried you, Mom may have either pushed you out of her before you were ready (premature birth) or held you back when you needed to get out of her. If she denied her feelings to herself, she concentrated serotonin in her blood which made less blood flow to the placenta for your use. If Mom experienced this tension-serotonin syndrome, you almost abort or deliver too soon.
Conditioning at Birth
Physical conditions of birth affect your potentials. With this in mind, find out about your own birth. If possible, talk to your mother and others who were around when you were born.
*8) Describe the physical conditions of your birth, in terms of a) hours of your mother’s labor; b) difficulty of birth; c) type or presence of anesthetic Mom given; d) timing of birth (premature, on-time, late); e) place of birth (home or hospital); f) mother’s condition while she carried you within (tension, peacefulness, health, illness); g) delivery conditions (Caesarian, breech, head first; forceps, bare-handed or rubber-gloves); h) lighting (dim or bright); i) temperature of delivery room (cool hospital, warm home); j) treatment after birth (separated from mother or given to her, incubator, breast or bottle); k) people present at birth (doctor, midwife, father, friends).
Poor Birth Conditions
In a typical hospital, Janov says, the journey from womb to room thrusts you from warmth to cold. The doctor drags you drugged from 98 degrees warmth of the womb of your drugged and terrified mother into a room chilled to 72 degrees for the well-dressed doctor. He or she pulls you with rubber gloves or forceps into harsh light.
The doctor cuts the umbilical cord that gives you oxygen before you breathe through your mouth or nose. You must get air in your lungs quickly. He or she beats your bottom until you gasp. A nurse cleans, weighs, displays and for a few minutes let Mom hold you. The nurse puts you in a plastic box and wheels you into a room where other babies wail from pain and separation. If male, strangers may cut off your foreskin in the next few days.
You emerge to live outside Mom with pain, shock, and profound disorientation. The rhythm of the efficient nursing crew replaces the steady rhythm of your mother’s heartbeat.
If your cord chokes you as you deliver if you emerge feet first or through Mom’s abdomen in non-elective Caesarian, pain may overwhelm you. Late or premature delivery floods you with hurt. If forceps pressure or other accident damage you, you may feel so overwhelmed with pain that you shut down all emotion.
If Mom herself had a painful birth, when she comes to birth you her own forgotten birth pain floods her and she clamps the muscles in her womb and birth canal. If this halts your delivery too long and amitotic fluid threatens you with drowning, little air tubes in your lungs close. They imprint air-tube closing. This imprint can create asthma.
If you don’t get enough oxygen due to your mother’s tension, you may grow into a child who can’t relate to others.
Good Birth Conditions
Birth gives you a good start if you, your mother, father, and friends share a gentle experience. Your drug-free mellow mother opens her cervix to let you out. She already felt her own birth and other repressed pains, so she has no unresolved birth trauma to pass on to you. Dad and friends encourage and massage her and you in a warm, dim room. They put you on her chest where you hear her heartbeat–the sound you heard when Mom carried you inside–and you relax. You breathe on your own before anyone cuts the umbilicus that gives you oxygen before your nose or mouth does.
You and everyone else at your birth fall in love with (bond) you and with each other. The adults bathe you in warm water you associate with the pleasure you felt weeks before when you floated inside Mom. She breastfeeds you whenever you seem hungry.
*9) Evaluate the conditions of your birth (that you have completed in 6 above) in terms of Janov’s good and bad birth circumstances. Overall, how loving, gentle, and natural was your birth?
*10) What kind of model did your birth give you? If your birth showed you how your life would be, what did it foretell?
LINE I CONSCIOUSNESS: THE BODY–VISCERAL, SENSORY, BIOLOGICAL (SPINAL NERVE)
Your experience in utero, at delivery, and after your birth pattern the first layer of your brain, your spinal nerve. The spinal nerve regulates your automatic body functions, sensations, and responses. Janov calls this basic biological pattern your first line of consciousness, your body consciousness. For your body to feel loved and develop you need touch, holding, stimulation, peacefulness, sleep-time, breastfeeding, food on your schedule, health care, and a dry bottom.
LINE II CONSCIOUSNESS: EMOTIONS (LIMBIC SYSTEM)
You develop the second layer of your consciousness, your emotional consciousness when you interact with people. Your lower (subcortical) brain houses your second line of consciousness. For you to feel loved and develop at the second line of consciousness, caretakers must meet your needs for emotional expression, and contact with people who love you, care, protection, and developmental support for you to find your own satisfaction at your own pace.
LINE III CONSCIOUSNESS: THOUGHTS, INTELLECT (NEOCORTEX)
The top part of your brain, the neocortex activates your intellect. You need rearers to answer your questions so you feel loved and can develop fully. You need to understand yourself, the world, and how your body, feelings, and thoughts mediate your reality.
You develop into a healthy, relaxed, mellow, human who can love if your rearers give you true love as you grow. They hold you close a lot and feed you when you feel hunger. They give you water, clean you, give you quiet time, stimulate you, and protect when you need cleaning, quiet, interaction, and protection. They let you grow at your speed natural directions. They love and accept you as you are and don’t try to make you some other way. They encourage you to explore yourself and the world but don’t push you to do what they think. Rearers who love you encourage you to explore and develop your own body. They help you develop at your pace and accept your body, looks, and body processes so you enjoy your body and what you can do with it. Parents love you if you feel everything, love art, dig kids, climb trees, or excel in school.
Before you reach 5 years old, you react to each of your parents’ unloving acts. About 5, however, your brain matures and general thoughts. The general thought that scares you most if you have not been loved: “Mommy or Daddy doesn’t love me.”
Sometimes before age 5 an incident or a general feeling lets you know Mom and Dad do not appreciate you as you are. That blows your little mind. You die without their love. Yet you know they don’t love you as you are. The thought, “Mommy doesn’t love me,” overwhelms you. Unbearable emotions flood you. You’ve got to shut off that awful feeling.
You try to tuck away the thought that your parent or parents don’t love you. You forget they don’t adore the spontaneous you. You avoid situations that remind you they disdained parts of you. To avoid the thought Mom and Dad don’t love you, you may talk nonstop, act emotionless, threaten, space out, play dumb, show brilliance, or change the subject. Or you might defend against the feeling unlovable with smoke, food, sex, dope, prayer, or even hair fondling. To defend, you may develop asthma or ulcers. You may play super macho or super fem to avoid situations that trigger the thought that you lacked parents’ love. Until you confront the fact your parents rejected you in your spontaneous state, you feel nervous and act defensively. You avoid dealing with what you unconsciously know: your parents didn’t love you no matter what. This makes you overreact or under-react to current situations.
Your parents either met or did not meet your needs as a child in ways you could sense. Parents who loved you met your needs and found ways for you to meet your needs. Their behavior, not just their words, showed or lacked love. If they failed to hold you enough lacked love you needed. Feel what happened to you and you can overcome it.
*11) What specific needs does Janov say your parents must meet for you as a baby to feel loved? What must they do to give you the atmosphere to develop into a relaxed, healthy child? Specify the particular needs rearers must meet for the child’s health at each line of consciousness.
*12) What do loving parents do when they see their child masturbate?
*13) Janov would consider parents’ behavior unloving if they a) fed you on a schedule, b) let you fend for yourself, c) encouraged you to learn only the sports and skills they thought okay for your sex, d) urged you to develop in the directions they’d like you to go, e) had you to keep them together, f) all of these, g) none of these.
TOUCH, HOLDING, STIMULATION: SPITZ’ STUDIES
Spitz studied babies in American orphanages and proved Janov right. Spitz’s studies confirm Janov’s hypothesis that we register love in our basic Line 1 consciousness through how our rearers meet our biological needs for touch and interaction. We die without love. “Mortality (death) rates in institutions for infants have always been high, and figures such as 75% to 90% dead in the first year were not uncommon. The children were well cared for but they just lost their will to live.
Spitz compared a touch-oriented environment–the Nursery–with a minimal-touch environment–called the Foundling Home. “In the Nursery, the babies were cared for by their real mothers, who were in prison. In the Foundling Home, infants given up by their mothers were cared for by professional nurses.
“Babies in the Nursery developed normally. At the end of two years, almost all were happy and healthy.
“For the babies in the Foundling Home at age six to eight months, smiling behaviors, which had started at about three months, disappeared. The children began to sleep more than ordinary and when awake, they seemed lethargic and unresponsive. Eventually, motor deficits became more pronounced, and the children became more and more passive. Their faces became empty, their eyes focused on nothing, and their facial expression reminded observers of imbeciles. The second year, tests of social and mental development showed them to be, on the average, 45% of normal-level of idiots. At age four, few of them could sit, stand, walk, or talk. That is if they reached age four. Over one out of three died before reaching two years. The major difference was the fact that the children in the Nursery had both these advantages–love, and someone to talk to them, hold and fondle them, play with them.
“The Nursery babies developed normally, with a few notable exceptions. These exceptions (34 cases) at first were weepy and demanding and over-dependent. Then they began to withdraw, sliding into patterns like those of the children in the Foundling Home. Spitz found every single one had been deprived of his or her mother for some time, beginning in the sixth to eighth month” (Geiwitz, J., Psychology, 1976: 326-332).
YOUR TOUCH EXPERIENCE
Lie on your side. Breathe deeply. Hold a pillow as you wanted someone to hold you.
Recall when someone cuddles you when you wee. If you don’t recall that, imagine it.
*14) Who holds you?
*15) Feel where your bodies touch. Feel the quality of the holding. Notice how free you and your holder touch each other. How does that person hold you?
*16) Now imagine that yourself a bit older. Do you still sit on laps? Whose? Does anyone wrestle with you, throw you and catch you, play “horsie” with you?
*17) Does mama give you her breast?
*18) Does someone hold you when you drink from a bottle?
*19) How did you go from breast to bottle or glass?
*20) Recall how you people held and touched in childhood. How did people hold and touch you at different ages?
*21) If your family gets another baby after you, does this affect how people at home touch you?
*22) Can and do you hold the new baby too?
*23) Who besides your parents hold you? Grandparents? Nurses? Aunties? Uncles? Your older brothers or sisters? Baby sitters?
*24) Recall your childhood bathing. As an infant, who bathes you? How do they handle and wash you? Are there parts of you they feel uncomfortable touching or that they skip? What attitudes toward your body do they convey to you?
*25) See the rest of your holding-touch history with the people of your family. When you reach 12, how do you make tactile contact?
*26) 15? Other ages?
*27) Does Dad hold you or put his arms around your shoulders? Does Mom kiss you?
*28) If you weren’t held, how did you feel about that?
*29) As you grow up, do Mom or Dad touch and hold one of you kids more than the others? Which kid? How does this favoritism affect you?
*30) When as a child you hold and touch people outside of your family, what’s that like?
*31) a. As a teen, how do you touch your boyfriends and/or girlfriends? b. How did your childhood touch experiences influence how touch now?
*32) Recall how, as you grow up, your parents touch each other. Do they hold hands, kiss, hug, get sexy with each other in front of you?
*33) Do they hide how they touch each other from you?
*34) Do they want you to go away when they want to love each other?
*35) How do you hold and touch nowadays? What was the last time you were held before you read this page? Who held you and how? Who, nowadays do you touch and how?
*36) How do you hold your children or children with whom you interact?
*37) Relate how the way you were held as a child and a teen affected the way you hold and touch as an adult.
You get an example of parental programming if you consider your attitudes toward your sexuality, anger, or spirituality. The exercise I share in this intro suggests you probe the origins and power of your sexual conditioning. I reserve further exploration of anger and spiritual management imprinting for extended work.
Anyway, as regards your sexuality, if parents, religious guides, media icons, literary paragons, authority figures, and/or peers encouraged you to explore sexuality at your own pace and in your own directions, you grew sexual and romantic inner voices and a center to coordinate them. But if they discouraged you, you may have depressed your sexual and lover parts. Perhaps they imprinted you with their attitudes toward masturbation, sex with people with disabilities, or sex with people of races, body types, ages, religions, occupations, wealth, location, or education that differ from or seem similar to yours.
Did caretakers, media, and peers stop you from what you wanted to do? Did they make you do what you didn’t want to? If they interfered with your erotic explorations, maybe you may have conformed to or rebelled against what they wanted. If parents forbade self-pleasuring, they held you back. If on the other hand, they pressed you to masturbate instead of sharing sex with people, they pushed you to masturbate.
When people push and pull you, they imply you lack the judgment to choose for yourself. They want you different from the way you’d develop if you’d explore; they neither push nor restrain you.
Maybe you obeyed them and acted like you thought those who pushed or restrained wanted and constellated a Pleaser or Conformist Subself. Or you may have or rebelled against them and constellated a Rebel or Addictive Sub. In either case–if your caretakers pushed or pulled you in directions and paces they demanded, you know they didn’t love you as you were naturally.
REPROGRAM YOURSELF FOR YOUR DIRECTIONS AT YOUR PACE
Transcend your conditioning. Embrace your hidden parts and keep your protective reactions too. Witness and center yourself; coordinate your love life in ways that meet the needs of your wild and your controlled subs.
The cues have you relive a time when someone interfered with you so you snuffed or fixated on how you sense, do sex, or show love. Rescript yourself and consciously choose how you love. You stop reacting to other people from automatic reactions parents imprinted on you and choose reactions right for you now.
If you do this with a partner, have her or him 1) read the cues aloud, 2) read reading instructions in square brackets [ ] silently, and give you plenty of time to respond:
Lie on your back, eyes closed, legs apart, arms at your side. Take long, slow breaths through your mouth; let your belly stick out when you breathe in, fall when you breathe out. Make a soft “ahh” sound as you let all the air out.
Recall WHEN SOMEONE PUSHED you into something sexual or romantic you weren’t ready for or WHEN THEY HELD YOU BACK from something you were ready for. About how old were you? Tell (and relive) the incident in the PRESENT TENSE.
What EMOTION do you experience when they push or pull you?
What body sensations do you feel in this experience?
Feel that emotion now. Sink into the feeling more deeply. INTENSIFY it.
Imagine–perhaps unlike the situation you’ve relived–you can express yourself now and tell your pusher (or puller) how you feel. Amplify and EXPRESS yourself to the person(s) involved in the situation.
What limits, fixations, conclusions, attitudes and INNER VOICES (subs) does this experience create or reinforce in you?
How did the fixations, conclusions, attitudes and subs you developed or reinforced from this experience serve you then? HOW HAVE THESE SUBS AND ATTITUDES PROTECTED YOUR INNER CHILD through the years?
How do these protective subs and defensive attitudes serve you NOW? What do the protective selves need?
REVISE AND RETELL THE SCENE you relived. Retell it with a script that frees you in situations that resonate with the one you imprinted. Your retell should imply positive options.
I ROLEPLAY [say the person’s name–Mom, Dad, Lover, Rapist, etc.] in the situation. This time I act-out his/her part as you rewrite. How should I play him/her [choose one] so you remember that you choose your reactions to situations that remind you of what you relived?
Create an AFFIRMATION–a reminder sentence–to help you remember you can choose your response to situations that recall the situation that imprinted you to limit yourself in sex or love. Say what you affirm aloud.
Affirm your affirmation again, louder. Shout it.
Imagine a future instance where you get your old automatic reaction to a sex, love or relation issue. Ask the subself that carries your old reaction say its CONCERNS. Sat what it says.
Ask the sub that says “yes” to new options what it wants in the instance you fantasized.
CENTER yourself between the sub that offers your old reaction and the sub that says “reflect and choose.”
say what the steps you’ll take to meet both subs’ needs.
COMMENT on this experience.
Trade roles with me; read the cues to me.
REVIEW YOUR EXPERIENCE; FUTURE-PACE WHAT YOU LEARNED
WHAT DID YOU EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU RESPONDED TO THE CUES ABOVE?
WHAT DID YOU LEARN IN YOUR ROLE AS READER?
TAKE A LOVER AND/OR FRIEND THROUGH REPROGRAM YOURSELF FOR YOUR DIRECTIONS AT YOUR PACE. WRITE WHAT YOUR PARTNER PROCESSED AND HOW YOU FACILITATED HER OR HIM.
IN WHAT WAYS DID YOUR PARENTS SHOW YOU LOVE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
TO WHAT DEGREE DID YOUR PARENTS GIVE YOU TRUE LOVE AT FOR YOUR BODY, EMOTIONAL, INTELLECTUAL AND SPIRITUAL CONSCIOUSNESS?
is a manual for you to experience advanced tantra and teach it to other people.
You learn to teach lovers and seekers how to:
* Master advanced tantra techniques
* Open all energy vortexes (chakras) to each other
* Refine relations
* Encourage female ejaculation and master male ejaculatory control
* Find meaning and purpose in relationships and life
* Reprogram parent imprints that diminish sex and love * Get satisfaction and sustain sex
* Mutually make more in sexualloving
* Delve dreams and pastlives
* Worship women and gratify guys
* Encourage female ejaculation
* Master male ejaculatory control
Also by the Lessins
* TANTRA for ALL CHAKRAS
guides you through experiences that help you:
* Love each other more and better
* Open your energy vortexes (chakras) to each other
* Share your diverse inner-voices
* Learn what hurts and scares your Inner Kids
* Discern when to lower your subself shields
* Share vulnerability and connect with each other
* Synergize your inner selves’ dance within and between you
* Refine how you relate
* Heal each other’s hearts