Counseling Do-It-Yourself Psychotherapy Relationships self-help sex tantra


From TEACH TANTRA* by Sasha Alex Lessin, Ph.D. & Janet Kira Lessin…

Reserve several 90-minute  intervals of uninterrupted privacy in person, via media or phone to take turns facilitating and responding to friends, significant others and lovers. As we take turns guiding each other through the exercise below; we learn what we can safely express in a structure that builds trust, understanding, and empathy.  We hear and paraphrase each other, sympathize with each other’s feelings and commit to modifying our behavior to accommodate each other.


In this experiential, we encourage each other to say what we hear.  We show concern and say what we think and feel.  We mirror and validate each other, feel together; then agree to observable helpful actions. When you respond to the cues below, you learn to say what you want.  You ask me to do things to help you heal or improve, and I appreciate your openness.


First, we mirror)  each other. When one of us shares, the other reflects the sharing in our own words, starting with “You said …”.   If what you said was a question, I’ll just say, “You asked … and repeat your question.  If I ask a question, you’ll mirror it with the same, “You asked … and repeat my question.  Just paraphrase; don’t respond to what she says. 

We’ll not smile, nod, roll eyes or mock each other when we say what we hear.  We neither approve nor disapprove anything the other says, even if we dislike it.  When I talk, you listen and paraphrase.  You get your turn to talk and have me mirror you when you prove to my satisfaction that you get my logic and feel with me. Then I prove I see your logic and you feel me empathizing with you.  We keep our voices neutral and say what we hear till the other says, “You got it right.”

When I say three or four sentences, you lift a hand.  I stop talking and you use your own words to summarize what I said.  Lift your hand before I say too much for you to mirror.

The more we listen actively, the more we remember and the longer we can speak without giving the hand-signal to stop. Then, even when one of us speaks for several minutes and the other nonetheless mirror the other well.

Suppose you say, “You never take out the trash.”  But I dumped trash last week.  I don’t say, “Wrong.” Instead, I say, in a non-argumentative tone, “You said I never take out the trash.”  I avoid emphasizing or saying the word “NEVER?” ironically. I stay neutral and say, “Is that correct?”

If you say, “No, you don’t get what I said,” I say, “Say that again.”  When you do, I again say what I thought you, in essence, said–several times if necessary, until you’re satisfied that I understand.  If you remain dissatisfied with how I paraphrase you, I repeat the very same words and emphases you use used. Then you say, “Correct.

If you say, “Right,” nod your head “Yes” or otherwise show me I repeated her correctly, I say, “Please say more.”


When you say, “That’s all I’m saying on this subject,” I summarize your logic and outline your main points.  I say, “You make sense because….” Then review how, from the way your related the subject you discussed, you make sense. I ask you if I got your logic and main points right.  If you think I missed something important, you tell me to mirror that.  When you agree I understand your logic, I’m ready to empathize with you.


I put myself in your place and imagine I feel as you did about what you had me mirror and validate.  In your place, I guess whether you feel mad, sad, glad or scared.  Then I complete the sentence: “I imagine you feel…”  I guess how you feel, what emotions you experience.

Then ask, “What did you feel?”   And “What else?”

[Solicit Requests]

 If the person with whom you’re doing this exercise  shared upsets, ask, “What could I do today and this week to help you heal the pain you shared?”  [Request acts–visible behaviors a camera could see.] ###



How Can I or a Lover Please You Deeply? ***

Wait. I heard you say … ###.  [Finish in your words .]


[Your partner corrects you.   Paraphrase until Seeker says, “You got it right“.] ***

Say more about this. ***

Do you have more to say about this? ***

[When your partner says “That’s all,” Guide, you complete the next two sentences.]

You make sense because ###

 [Validate your partner; Pretend you become your partner and see things as he or she does.  Tell him or her how she or he makes sense.] 

I imagine you feel …. ###.

Say what you do feel? ***

Request behavior from me to please you deeply.***


What Can I or a Lover Do To Turn You On?***

 You said … ###

Right? ***

Say more on this. ***

You make sense because …. ###

Do you feel …? ###

What else do you feel? ***

Ask me to perform specific acts–acts a camera could see and request I say specific sentences–words a recorder would hear–to turn you on. ***


How Can I or a Lover Support You? ***

Wait.  You said … ###

Right? ***

Do you have more to say more on this subject? ***

You make sense because … ###. 

My guess: you feel … ###.

Correct? Say what you do feel. ***

What would like from me? ***


Say How To Make You Feel Respected. ***

You said … ###

That right? ***

More on this? ***

You make sense because … ###.

I imagine you feel … ###.

What do you feel? ***

Ask me to do something to help you feel respected. *** 


What Can I or a Lover Do To Make You Feel Loved? ***

Wait. I heard you say … ###.  [Finish in your words .]


[Your partner corrects you.   Paraphrase until Seeker says, “You got it right“.] ***

Say more about this. ***

Do you have more to say about this? ***

[When your partner says “That’s all,” Guide, you complete the next two sentences.]

You make sense because ###

 [Validate your partner; Pretend you become your partner and see things as he or she does.  Tell him or her how she or he makes sense.] 

I imagine you feel …. ###.

Say what you do feel? ***

Request behavior from me to make you feel loved.***


Carl Rogers taught that in the natural course of feeling loved and accepted, you automatically think of yourself as worthwhile.  You have a good self-image that gives you the confidence you need to grow emotionally.  You know that sometimes other people don’t like what you do and that sometimes you change what you do because of them, yet you feel basically ok; you have the self-confidence to be spontaneous.

If, on the other hand, you feel unloved or loved and accepted only when you act in certain ways, you develop a bad self-image.  If you have that, you approach new situations split between the spontaneous creativity you need and your internal worry about whether your behavior will be approved by others.

Rogers labels as unconditional acceptance the feeling of being loved, even if your actions are disapproved.  He labels as conditional acceptance the attitude that you must behave in an approved way to be regarded as okay.                     

 Quiz: Questions to reinforce what you learn [If you doubt your answers, message Dr. Sasha Lessin at facebook.

  1. Identify the following parental utterances as unconditional acceptance or as conditional acceptance:a.“You bad boy! You cooked the kitty, you demon!”
    b. “I’m furious with you. I hate what you did.  Don’t you ever treat animals like that!”

 2. Rogers says that a child socialized with variants of “you’re bad unless You behave right” (select correct alternative(s))

  1. develops high positive self-regard;b. receives unconditional acceptance;c. develops a bad self-imaged. develops a good self-image and feels intrinsically worthwhile;e. is likely to enter a new situation in a spontaneous way;f. is likely to enter a new situation conflicted between her impulses and her concern about how people would react to her if she were freely expressive;g. lacks the confidence to grow.


Fortunately, even if you received only conditional acceptance, bad self- images and conflicts between how you think you should be and how you are, there’s still hope.  You can develop a positive self-image when you feel accepted and loved.  Give love and acceptance through a helping relationship. In such a relationship, you share, in addition to acceptance and care, honesty as to your emotions. Give, also, empathetic understanding.  By empathetic understanding, you let a person know you can relate to the way she or he sees, hears and feels things.


When you grow, as the result of feeling love and acceptance from parents, society or a helping relationship, you… understand yourself more…. accept parts of yourself you denied before…. get along better with, accept, and understand people more…. think, feel and act in a consistent, congruent and integrated way….become more like you like to be–your ideal self and your real self merge….do what you please and are confident…. become more individualistic, unique, and expressive…. stop depending too much on the guidance of others.

When someone’s honest with you, you become more honest with him and with yourself.  When he accepts you, you accept yourself.  Where he communicates empathetically, listens to and gives feedback to you, you start listening to yourself.  You clarify your own directions and gain confidence.

Empathetic understanding you give someone in a helping relationship must be felt by her for her to open up and grow maximally.  Not only must you understand her sympathetically, but she must also perceive you as understanding her.  This helping form of communication is active listening.

Practice active listening: decide to understand the person you listen to before she understands you.  You need only understand; you need not necessarily agree with what she says.  Speak as slowly and energetically as she speaks.  Synchronize your breathing with hers.  Posture and gesture as she does.  Reflect on both what she says and on the feeling that she conveys.  Do this unobtrusively.  Nod, ask questions of clarification, change how you sit and paraphrase her; these behaviors encourage her to express, understand, accept herself and grow.

Warm-up: Exaggerated active listening

 Select a partner. Be alone together in person, on phone (preferably with visuals0, skype or zoom.

Each of you thinks of what you would most like to experience before you die (or anything else you choose to share). 

Now share this information.  Rephrase your partner’s information into your own words until your partner agrees you understand the gist of what she said.  When she agrees you are accurately paraphrasing her, you tell her part of your thoughts.  Then she paraphrases you.  Do this for every sentence.  This is exaggerated active listening, designed to train you to track your partner’s verbal communications.  In the next part of this exercise, you continue sentence by sentence tracking subvocally.

Practice: Natural units of reflection.

Share natural units of talk with the same partner.  Each of you thinks of something that concerns you.  Your Partner says his concern as you paraphrase him silently in your own head.  Every once in a while–after he says ten or twenty sentences, tell him what you hear him saying and ask if your summary’s correct.  Then have him hear your concern and occasionally feedback to you what he hears you saying. 

Field Experiment      

Sometime this week subtly paraphrase someone you talk with using “Do you mean…?”  “What I’m picking up from you is…”  “Let’s see if I understand, you’re saying….”  This lets the person talking know you’re listening and keeps you, the listener, alert to the talker


 Researchers amassed convincing evidence for Dr. Rogers’ hypothesis that honesty, acceptance of a client and empathetic understanding (shown by active listening) yield growth in self-understanding, self-acceptance, satisfying social interaction, congruent thought, feeling and action, self-confidence, individuality, independence, and less punishing ideals.  The researchers recorded sessions for 18 months at the University of Chicago’s counseling center for clients seeing Rogerian counselors.  These clients and also non-clients (equated as control groups in terms of age, sex, student or non-student status, etc.) were given various psychological tests.  The resulting data prove that clients receiving candor, acceptance and active listening feel better afterward and are seen by their friends as maturing.  There are no such changes in control groups.

Questions to reinforce what you learn [If you doubt your answers, message Dr. Sasha Lessin at facebook.

3. (Choose one or more:) Providing honesty (genuineness), one of the three therapeutic conditions for growth in Rogers’ framework, means, when you’re an active listener,

  1. immediately expressing your emotions when you are actually feeling them;
  2. being completely open to your feelings, and able to share them, when appropriate;
  3. non-possessive warmth;
  4. making your client feel understood;
  5. caring, but not minding;
  6. disclosure to the client of your diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis for him or her.








In this easy-to-read, fully-illustrated manual, you learn to teach lovers how to:

* Master advanced tantra techniques
* Open all energy vortexes (chakras) to each other
* Refine relations
* Encourage female ejaculation and master male ejaculatory control
* Find meaning and purpose in relationships and life
* Reprogram parent imprints that diminish sex and love * Get satisfaction and sustain sex
* Mutually make more in sexualloving
* Delve dreams and pastlives
* Worship women and gratify guys

Also by the Lessins:


TANTRA for ALL CHAKRAS guides you through experiences that help you:

* Love each other more and better
* Open your energy vortexes (chakras) to each other
* Share your diverse inner-voices
* Learn what hurts and scares your Inner Kids
* Discern when to lower your subself shields
* Share vulnerability and connect with each other
* Synergize your inner selves’ dance within and between you
* Refine how you relate
* Heal each other’s hearts
* Encourage female ejaculation
* Master male ejaculatory control


SASHA ALEX LESSIN, PH.D. (U.C.L.A.) taught Sex Education in the University of Hawaii School of Medicine, Leeward Community College and the Professional School for Psychological Studies. He served as Director of Counseling at the Waikiki Drug Center and has counseled relationships, guided spiritual journeywork and taught tantra for over forty years.

JANET KIRA LESSIN, naturally tantric, joined Sasha as his co-teacher and presenter and together they developed, All-Chakra Tantra as Janet worked through her sexual abuse traumas and learned how to facilitate others’ reprogramming.

The LESSINS taught Tantra at Maui Community College, World Polyamory Association, World Tantra Association conferences, the School of Tantra on Maui and The Phoenix Goddess Temple.

They’ve appeared on numerous TV shows and on hundreds of radio shows and have written 10 books and counting.

Click for oodles of tantra and existential experientials

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