Benefit from Bonding: LEARN TO MEET NEEDS YOU WANTED OTHERS TO MEET FOR YOU

BENEFIT FROM BONDING

You bond (co-depend) when you and your lovers react to each other as though first one, then the other of you is a parent, then a child. This is natural and inevitable. And, when it’s sweet, you and your lovers enjoy positive bonding; you nurture and protect one another.

But also inevitably, you feel vulnerable (hurt, scared, shamed, stressed, tired, jealous, insecure or threatened) and hide this vulnerability. Then, instead of showing your Vulnerable Inner Child, you respond in a defensive voice. Ofttimes your initial defensiveness touches off a defensive reaction in your lover, to which you respond with further defenses. Hal and Sidra Stone call this duel of your defensive subselves negative bonding.

Example: In the positive part of their bonding, Jim and Sue take turns nurturing each other. The negative phase touches off when Sue keeps yelling until Jim, becoming parent-like, judges and analyzes her critically. She collapses into a helpless, crying child.

They end the negative phase when they each express their vulnerability and see the voices the other expressed in the bonding as their own subdued subselves. Thus, Jim can raise his voice instead of letting Sue do all the yelling and she can become intellectual and analytic as well. They return to sweet bonding and Center-Center relating.

When you and a lover experience sour interaction, use the cues below to help you learn how your bonding pattern works and how to shift to your Center, the conscious, balanced perspective from which to choose to relate.

Read the cues in bold print aloud to the lover concerned. Read anything enclosed in square brackets [like this] silently. Three asterisks (***) indicate your partner responds; the symbol ### means you, the Reader, speak as indicated.

Sit on this cushion; the position for your Center, where you hear all your inner voices.

Recall, then tell me when you felt pain, fear, insecurity as we related to each other. ***

Say how we interacted in parent/child ways. ***

What bothered you about how I acted in relation to you? ***

Move to a cushion from which you’ll roleplay me. [When your partner has moved, say,] Pretend you’re me; roleplay me. Exaggerate what I do and say. Say what you, as me, fear, think and suspect.***

Now move to a cushion where you’ll be yourself in relation to me.

[When your partner moves, say,] Respond to me. As yourself again say more than you already said to me; tell me how I make you feel. Express your feelings, irrational thoughts and impulses; exaggerate your feelings; express more. ***

Now return to your original cushion, the Center.

[When your partner moves, say,] Tell me what vulnerabilities‑‑feelings of insecurity, fear, hurt‑‑you and I activate in each other. ***

How do I represent a disowned voice for you? ***

Describe your relation with me in parent‑child terms. Expand what you told me before about how you and I shift between enacting parent and child roles vis‑a‑vis each other. ***

In what ways does the pattern you’ve described with me re‑create part of the pattern you had with the people who raised you or a brother or sister? ***

Stand behind me now, facing the seat in which you enacted the voice within you that you projected on me. Maintain neutrality, observe objectively. As I review the main things you said in the disowned voice, sense its energy ### [Summarize what your partner said.]

Now return from standing in the Witness position to the seat for your Center.

How can you, Center, nourish my vulnerable, Inner Child without overbalancing your own voices? ***

How can you integrate the disowned voices I represented into your life as your own voices? ***

EMPATHIZE, STAY LINKED

Partner up for the experience below, so you each explore your inner jealous and empathetic voices and strengthen your discerning Center. You befriend your inner Jealous Voice, see how it developed and learn how it helped and keeps helping you.

Your Jealous Voice confronts you with your deepest needs; it can show what you need to do to love yourself and let others love you.

Jealousy points to what you can reprogram to become more loving to yourself and others. You learn to both honor and transcend your jealous concerns. You re‑experience the underlying, loving consciousness you, your beloveds and their beloveds share.

In the Jealousy/Empathy experience, you balance your Jealous Voice with your Empathetic one. Your Empathetic voice celebrates the joy your beloveds share with others.

You feel both Jealous and Empathetic Voices from a discerning, inner perspective. When you embrace both voices, you are in your Center or Aware Ego. Your Center values both jealousy and empathy. Your Center also hears and honors the needs, hurts, fears and delights of the Child within that the Jealous Voice protects.

Honor your Jealous Voice’s impulse: protect your Inner Child; assure it love. Heed also your Empathetic Voice: rejoice in your beloveds’ pleasure. Choose actions that recognize, accept, coordinate and synthesize the needs of your Jealous, Empathetic, Child and other (Practical, Spiritual, Sexual) voices.

Love and enjoy the people in your life. Spread love and community.

GUIDING PARTNERS. You’re the Reader, your partner’s the Responder. As Reader, read the cues aloud. Read anything enclosed in square brackets [like this] silently. Give your partner a few breaths’ time to respond aloud where you see asterisks (***).

Center yourself: imagine you sit between your Insecure and Confident voices, your Inner Derider and your Inner Praiser, your Giver and your Taker. You experience from your CENTER between any two voices when you accept both.

Tell me when you feel centered. Then tell me about your Jealous Voice, the part of you that fears competition and loss. What’s your Jealous Voice like? ***

What does it do for you? ***

Move to a new position, a position for your JEALOUS VOICE. Identify with, become your Jealous Voice. Take its posture; become it energetically. As the Jealous Voice, say what you do for [facilitatee’s name], how you contribute to her/his inner ecology. ***

If you, Jealous Voice, ran [name]’s life, what would you have [name] do? * Why would you have [name] do that? *

When did you emerge as a voice in [name]‘s life? ***

What’s your history, times when you took center stage, as her/his [name]‘s Jealous Voice? ***

How did and do you shield [name]‘s vulnerable Inner Child from hurt in the situation that evokes you, Jealous Voice? ***

Tell me, Jealous Voice, how you protect [name] from feeling “less than” people you compare to you. ***

How can [name] improve the areas he feels inferior? ***

What concerns you as far as possible loss of attention and care from your love? ***

How do you contribute to the reactions you fear? ***

What do you contribute, as [name] ‘s Jealous Voice, to [name]?

What do you want [name] to appreciate you for? ***

Close your eyes, Jealous Voice. Imagine you go to ANOTHER LIFE, another body, one where you imprint a script that influences you in your jealous reactions today.**

Let yourself feel‑‑then look at the feet of a person in an earlier life, a person whose story will help [name] understand what motivates you, Jealous Voice, at a deep level. What, if anything, covers your feet? Tell me about your feet. ***

Imagine they’re your feet. And notice the rest of your body. What’s your body like? Young or old? * Weak or strong? Male or female? *

How’re you dressed? ***

Say where you are.***

Describe your surroundings.***

Who’s there?***

Tell me about the situation. ***

Say what’s going on around you. ***

What’s about to happen? ***

Experience the key scene that led to your jealous scripting. Describe it in the present tense as it unfolds. ***

What emotions and body sensations do you experience in this scene? ***

Feel those feelings now. Sink into them more deeply. Now express your emotions, move your body, tell the other people involved in the scene how you feel. Tell them aloud. ***

What do you decide as a result of this scene. ***

Do you draw any negative conclusions from that experience? ***

Do you still carry jealous, vengeful or angry attitudes from that situation? ***

Relate your death. Say when you’re not in that body anymore. ***

Go to a higher place. Meet and speak aloud to any souls you harmed or who harmed you in the scene you imagined. Forgive yourself and them. ***

If you could redo that life, Jealous Voice, what would you change? ***

What did you need to experience and learn, that life? ***

Does anyone from that past life reminds you of someone in this life? ***

Compare the past life with your life nowadays. ***

Thank you, Jealous Voice, I understand how you feel and how you make sense. Would you let [name] return to your Center position? ***

[Wait till s/he moves.] Hi, Center. Tell me about your EMPATHETIC VOICE, the part of you that rejoices at the joy your lovers share with others ***

Move to a position for that self. [Wait till s/he moves.] Become your Empathetic Voice. Say how you are, what you do and what you would like to do for [name] . ***

Tell me the main times she/he [choose one] experienced you when you came out in [name] ‘s life. ***

Tell me how the times you came out helped [name]. ***

Tell me what you’d like appreciation for. ***

Tell me about the areas of [name]’s life nowadays where you’d like her/him [choose one] to rejoice at the joy her/his [choose] love(s) share(s) with others. ***

Rate and describe, from your perspective as [name]‘s Empathetic Voice, [name] ‘s successes rejoicing at the love her/his [choose] beloved(s) share(s) with others? ***

Thank you, Empathetic Voice. Would you let [name] return to the Center position. [Wait till s/he moves.] Feel and appreciate your Jealous and Empathetic Voices at the same time. What’ve you’ve learned so far. ****

Move to another position and become your SEXUAL VOICE, the part of you that feels sexual and sensual. [Wait till s/he moves.] As Sexual Voice, what’re your reactions to the situations that bring out [name]‘s Jealous and Empathetic Voices? * What else would you like [name] to know? *

Thank you, Sexual Voice. Would you let [name] return to your Center. [Wait till s/he moves.] Any comments you’d like to make on the Sexual Voice, from your perspective as Center? ***

Move to another position and become your SPIRITUAL VOICE, the part of you that experiences the love, beauty, perfection and sacredness in all situations. [Wait till s/he moves.] As Spiritual Voice, what’re your reactions to the situations that bring out [name]‘s Jealous and Empathetic Voices? ***

What else would you like [name] to know? ***

Thank you, Spiritual Voice. Let [name] return to Center. [Wait till s/he moves.] Any comments you’d like to make on the Spiritual Voice, from your perspective as Center? ****

Move to another position for any other voice‑‑perhaps your PRACTICAL, CRITICAL, ARTISTIC or CHILD Voice‑‑that wants to express itself (about managing your Jealous Voice). Say what voice you’re enacting and say what, from your unique view, you’d like [name] to hear . ***

Thank you, I liked talking with you. Let [name] return to Center. [Wait till s/he moves.]

Move again. This time, become the facilitative part of yourself; be your INNER FACILITATOR. Summarize the session. Review the selves [name] voiced and what she/he learned from each.”